blackout.

i can't focus.
that's the first fact
i focus on,
and then it's gone.
i'm floating,
floating somewhere.
i taste blood,
and see distorted
images floating around
behind my eyes.
my ears are ringing,
ringing out.
in a short moment,
i forget all of that.
i'm floating.
my new found prison,
lacking cells and bars.
where are the gods?

hold on to the end of the night,
shaking twice from the fear.
in the morning light, let it go,
my hero is here.


this solitary cell,
endless on any side,
is something unlike
anything i've seen before.
i could play here forever,
but i can't stay long.
isn't that always the way?
trying to be everyone's barbie,
breaking hearts left and right.
my life only works a certain way,
and who am i to change that?
take a step back and judge me,
but who are you to tell me no?
play me a brand new song.
shut up, and play along.

i'm deficient,
and a failure.


i'm not sure what
i would do
without you.
the new.
the old.
the wise.
the bold.

i am not a human,
and i told you that.
these distorted images are
changing,
and i can taste blood.

we are not the same.

grow down.

perhaps, when i'm old,
i'll turn around and see
this life laid out before me.
maybe i won't be able to say
that i touched the sky,
or that i climbed some
fabled mountain.
in that moment,
i'll have to learn to live
with the fact that
i'm not a hero.
maybe i'm just average,
living in an average world.
just because i can dream
doesn't mean that i have
the capacity to make any
of these silly pictures
into realities.
maybe all they'll ever be
is silly dreams.
perhaps this shot is just too long
for achievement,
and maybe none of it
was ever meant to be.

"everything happens for a reason."

if my destiny and my fate
are already etched in stone,
then what is the point of
working, and working hard,
towards this goal that, at best,
is just beyond my grasp?
at least, it feels that way sometimes.
i've been crowned king of
wishful thinking,
and perhaps all these
wishes are for nothing.
wishing in vain,
if at all.

some say i'm a million miles from,
and some say i'm just a step away.
a voice has to rise above the rest,
treading water in the middle of the ocean,
but i'll be damned if i don't give it
my best.

because when i'm old,
and i look over my shoulder
one last time,
i'll have to be okay with
whatever i ended up with.
the only thing that will really matter,
of this i'm absolutely sure,
is that i won't have a single thing
to make me ask, "what if?"

i took a leap of faith tonight,
and as far as i'm concerned,
i did alright.
tomorrow might hold new and
different cruels,
but i'll leave those for the
new and different fools.

we are not the same.

the giver.

half the time, i feel
certain you don't mean
the things you say exactly
how i interpret them,
but that doesn't mean
that i don't interpret them
all the same.
precision of words.
jonas learned it,
shouldn't you?


it could be the difference
between two
grains of sand.
it could be the difference
between the sea
and a desert.
it could be the difference
between a knight
in shining armor
and the
big bad wolf.




but maybe i'm just a big bad wolf.
maybe i can only be destruction.
perhaps i'm capable of nothing more.
maybe i'll eat you up.

you said, "the effect can't be the cause."
if that's so illogical,
then i'm absolutely
sure that the
problem
can't be the
solution.

we are not the same.

the game of life.

the way you move is a mystery,
and i can run away.
beam me up
after you slam me down.
art on the wall,
and i will kill us all.
i'm in the pursuit of something
that i have yet to see,
but, oh, what i see when you
see me.
flames and torrents,
bright and unforgiving
surges of life.
hopeless me
with a shot in the dark,
but it's never been more
pitch black.
the kiss of death,
you hold the cup.
i'm a cannibal,
and i'll eat you up.
your eyes whisper
stories of every hate
in the world.
every wrong i've asked,
and every beautiful you know.

i've never slept so soundly
as when you slept with me.
all the compromise attached to
our words, but all the same,
there you were.
there you are.
err, here you are.
tell me what you know
about nightmares,
and the twisted nature
of every word you spoke.
death is in the air,
and it's radiating from
every inch of my skin.
final breath, last words.
tomorrow i'm alone,
but there you are, waiting.
you are a human being.
i am a martian.
the lions will attack,
but the lions can wait.
for now, i'm busy.
this is my fate.
stones.
stones, and brilliance.
hello, brilliance.




to my biggest fan,
i was mean to you because
i thought you couldn't be mean.
god, was i ever wrong.
i can feel you watching
my every move,
and i know you see it all.
all those things you "know,"
but you know nothing.
you are blind and cruel.
all of the ugly in the world,
and you chose to make me famous.
dear my biggest fan,
leave me be.

sometimes there is no turning back.
one to never leave,
and one never to leave.
you can't carry it with you
if you want to survive.

the two are not the same.
we are not the same.

privAte.

firstly,
i don't HATE you,
but i'm severely
disappointed with
what you said.
you reacted like a
child, and quite honestly,
YOU are the one who
was being wildly
inappropriate.


[i can't name the saints,
and i'm sorry.
you're on your way,
and i'm hanging
on your coat.
sketchy phases.
one and one.
this throne, my home,
falling fast.
stupid words.
please see past.
i know how to jump to
conclusions,
and use noises
like knives.
i'll never forget that
look in your
eyes.
label, label.
watch your mouth.
heading north,
and falling south.
waking up,
with eyes still shut.
these broken lines,
unforgivable,
but not the lines
you see.
stop searching for them,
and look for me.
i told you the truth,
as i would never lie,
but i stretched it out
from sky to sky.
i'm still humming to
the incessant beating
of your beautiful
heart.
you know what happens
back at start.]


jealousy, my dear.
watch your back.
things can be forgiven
without being forgotten.
vice versa, and two.
bring me your notes,
you owe me that much.
bring me the sun,
and bring me the sea.
this flat earth continues
to spin, and circle
around me.
inappropriate and all,
continue to circle
around me.

-A.

we are not the same.

limits.

wielding the strangest form
of beauty i have
ever known.
somehow i know
that it's always
your own.



american dream,
highly under the table.
universal signs of beams and hate.
place money on a royal
never taking a bow.
if ever to say never,
say never now.

lucky you,
so live the life.
you've got nothing, just tonight.
anything, anything, i will allow.
dear, you're eyes,
say never now.

we are not the same.

empire, breathe softly.

17,280 and 28,800.
in and out.
in and out.
trying to hold it all together.
trying to keep my head high,
amidst this raging sea.
trying to keep a smile on my face,
just for you to see.
where are you now?
truth is, these impossibilities
sprout wings and fly away
when you're in the room.
truth is, if you asked,
i'd never take it off.

truth is, i'd give all of those
breaths back,
in and out,
if i could just have one of
yours.

chances, chances.
in and out.
wading slowly
in all the doubt.
my name is josh,
and yours is A.
save your shining
for another day.
let me wake,
internal, up.
another moon,
another cup.
graces, two.
give them to you.
in and out,
but i'm not through.

if you asked me for the truth,
i wouldn't know who to pray to.
in and out.
all these canals and martyrs,
christening my every wall.
in and out.
all this shallow breathing,
and it didn't make a sound.
where is the sun when
i'm six feet down?

let me fall,
and cast me out.
let me swim in the oceans
i have made alone.
the water is fine,
but the mountain has grown.
don't turn away,
smile again.
a brand new city,
count day 1.
thinking back
to 43.
in and out,
and we are free.

this storybook,
open news.
never thinking,
"if i lose..."


alright, i'll play.
boardgames and sidewalks.
give me a card,
and let us begin.
in and out,
let us begin.

we are not the same.

the confession.

i've been spending a lot
of time living this life that
before, i glared at from
the sidelines.
because before i knew that
look in your eyes,
outer space was home.
"towers," he said,
but these towers are yours.
i've stepped out of the tunnel,
and in all that noise, silence.
the sun peaks over the horizon,
and we are alone.
we are alone.

i close my eyes,
and i see compounded thoughts
and pictures.
it's all so consuming,
biting at the edges
of my sanity.
tugging at the edges
of my heart.
when you touch my face,
though, my mind goes blank.
i can see clearly,
and i can see you.
i can see you.

your smile hangs on
a string just in front of me.
your dreams expel every
demon i own,
and they're gone
until i'm gone again.
i, so selfishly, close my eyes,
and wish you'd stay forever.
shakespeare's words hold nothing
for me like every trivial
detail you mention.
captivation is fine,
but i get so literally lost
in every thing you say.
i'm overwhelmed with you,
and speak to me thoughtfully.
thoughtfully speak.

sometimes, watching the stars
fall from the sky,
i lose track of this maze i'm in.
i follow this line and the next
to the ends of the earth,
but refuse to discover
the underneath.
you are not mine,
and i must respect that
fact above everything
i know.
yes, sometimes i just want
to let go of everything i hold,
and float away in the current.
easier said than done.
yes, sometimes i just want
to throw caution to the wind,
and dive into the avenues, unexplored.
dive into the avenues.


oh, what i've become.
oh, what you've made me.
once, a doll, and now i'm real.
because of you, i get to feel.

let me mingle with your eyelashes,
and let me slip away.
let me slip away.

we are not the same.

oh, theodore roethke.

void or not,
there is something stuck
just in between.
nothing to the effect
of a brick wall,
because it's so much
better than that.
and you are so much
better than that.
all that wasted time
for something real.
i have a heart,
i swear i do,
but only when it
comes to you.

at least i try,
and here's your warning.
i've locked myself
inside this box,
and tied the key to
the string of a balloon.
sir isaac newton.
sir isaac newton.
follow suit,
and here's your warning.

"safe and sound," he said,
"though floating a mile off the ground."

i've dodged questions,
and looks even more,
never understanding
what i did it for.
i'm an absolute disaster,
on a new set of tracks,
moving so much faster,
never looking back.


i keep your smile
in a simple little box.
i keep your lies
in a very special spot.
i never saw you walking my way,
never expected to step forward
for everything i've done.
i can see the white in your eyes.
if you were smart, you would run.

in my dream,
you showed me your hand
and spoke of magic.
you told me all the secrets i couldn't keep.
ever since you lost your breath,
it's been so hard to get to sleep.

we are not the same.

jump/fall, the syndrome.

i hope this one doesn't go over your head.
i hope you know exactly what i'm talking about.

sometimes, i lie awake,
thinking about all the things you said.
sometimes, i stay awake,
just to hear you speak.
and sometimes, when i feel uncertain,
i just cross my fingers and close my eyes.
i hope that you do the same,
because sleep deprivation
has become so beautiful.

i never did find that line you wrote,
but i found two more across your heart.
i don't want to push you too hard,
because i don't want to push you too far.
what place are you in?
and what place am i?
last night i saw the moon,
lost inside the sun,
and listened to your voice
slowly crafting rose petals.
you're so good at that.

this quirky smile hasn't left
my face all day,
and you haven't left my brain.
i've swam with all the words to say,
but i'll be lucky to remember your name.
your horizon stretch from left to right,
right to left, and back.
i'm nervous and anxious, a tad bit clouded,
but i refuse to let that interfere
with everything i want to feel,
and everything i hope
you're feeling too.

i can't decide if i broke
the rules,
because i never
heard the law.
i can't decide if i should
smile and wave,
or brace myself to fall.




we are not the same.

brevity.

give me a galaxy of space,
but never let me go.
make promises you'll never keep
to ears who'll never know.

you could make hats with those eyes,
did i tell you?
bring me back to wonderland.
i've only asked entire worlds,
and maybe that's too much.
could i hold them, if i won?
yes, maybe that's too much.

i've been searching through
the sand at night, to find
the line you drew.
if a line were never drawn,
where does that leave you?

i wouldn't dare ask.


making peace with empty towns,
and flooded, all the same.
instigation, back away,
would you know my name?
this is not a waiting game,
it's never been that hard.
a game of truth,
without the dare,
will never get you far.

we are not the same.

last chance.

i wasn't sure if you'd
gotten my messages.
i wanted to give it
just one more try.

i miss you, terribly.
you have got to be
the most amazing person
i have ever met.
you are so strong,
amazing,
beautiful,
interesting,
and fun.
i love to look back
and think about how
i had you in the palm
of my hand.
i wish i could have that back.
you are so confident,
no matter what anyone said
about you.
you could control
the world with a snap
of your fingers,
and i was in love with you.
i was in love with the life you had.
actually, i'm still in love with you.

if you were still here,
you would know exactly what to say.
you would know what to do,
and how to handle everything.
you could coach me through
the transition,
and tell me what to say to him.
you would understand
exactly how i feel,
and you would mock me,
but you would also
encourage me.
i think you loved me, too.

i have so many questions for you.
about this person,
and about life.
about where you went,
and if you're ever
coming back.
i'd really like for you to
come back.
i've been treading water
for a while now,
and i need you back.

i'm going back to school soon,
i'd love to see you there.
i'd love to be back to how we were.
and i have a new crush.
they're pretty great.
i'd love for you to meet them.
i'd love to be back to how we were.

i know that i killed you,
and left you in all black,
but dear old JOSH,
please come back.

we are not the same.

rope and summit.

because the california sun
was so bright that day.
to tell the truth,
i've never been to
california.

let's step back.
we're missing the bigger picture.
let's sink to the bottom
of the ocean,
and grab one grain of sand.
david never did anything but dance.
susie was stuck in the in-between,
and i think i'm here too.
the question is,
am i stuck here with you?

you've got a background
noise to kill the tune.
less than a pound,
because it holds
so much more meaning
than you've let the world
believe.
tie a bow around
the hands of time.
you can have the rest,
this moment's mine.
draw pictures on the width
of a sheet of paper.
you're walking on the width
of a sheet of paper.
be careful what you wish for.

collect feathers like a child.
i can't read them like you can.
you are an ocean
to my grain of sand.


if i believed in playing cards,
i'd be lost from the start.
i know i'm not the only one.
and finally, because i've waited for this moment.
because i don't want to be the only one,
and i never asked for it.
she said, "you're always
better off with a really
good lie."
that's not true anymore, is it?
so, are you listening?
emergency.
emergency.
emergency.
i'm sorry, i almost forgot
where you belong.

i'm just a boy,
with a dream that got
the best of me,
but you're the one
who gave me wings.

we are not the same.

specificity-

it's much too late, now.
far gone is hope of sincerity.
i've found myself attached
to this railroad track,
but i've been traveling
in the same direction
for so long.

you missed your flight,
so count the stars.
i've been on your side, lately,
but i've wronged you.
turning away,
running away.
please don't ask me why.
sometimes pretending
is harder than telling the truth.
once or twice,
this back and forth
is what i dream about.
i dreamt i was a knife,
as black as any night.
i'll sleep for a thousand years,
until you give up.
hold my hand,
and tell me,
"this is the end."

το φως από τον ήλιο.<#

ghost town.
to begin again.
i'd like to toast,
to you,
for being so
outwardly,
horribly,
and beautifully
poised.
if you find out,
you can't define
all the paths to take.
just don't leave.
i'm not sure what
material they used
to make you,
your hair and your skin,
but maybe your
fate is stones.
earth and brilliance.

but where does the earth
obtain brilliance,
but from the sky.
lay down your head,
close your eyes so that
you cannot see.
so that you can see
everything.

we are not the same.

combustible earth.

redundant.
a metaphorical egg.
like a rock inside my brain.
why can't you live in the dirt,
and play my living game?
a never-ending staircase,
such a paradox.
a brick wall, more subtle than aether.
wicker baskets for me to
place myself in.
forever will i ask for
a solitary sin.
small scale solar flares,
mood lighting my darkness.
the absence of oxygen,
and you kill me.
i beg you, dear,
kill me.


you ask too much of me.
what do you see?
i'm blind to this
unattainable beauty
you've given to me.
you are the most
colorful brand of
monochromatic
i have ever seen.
dear, you are classical.
dear, you are small.
all that wonder
you keep inside your walls.
a deforestation,
chopping every
tree i've called my own.
follow me back
to this place
i call home.
murder me here,
become my fear.

i'm not so sure
when exactly this became
about you.
it has, though,
im perfectly sure.
funny thing is,
i'm not looking
for a cure.

we are not the same.

letter of love, describing hate.

to me, your under, a salute.
rolling stones down a hill,
skipping hearts across the lake.
gauge me, and where do i belong?
your cool eyes chill me,
but your games bring me
back to earth.
dear, i never
want to return.
yes, we've escaped,
but maybe we belong here.
camping just beyond your city,
hoping for a traveling glimpse.
how easily i hand this thing out,
or at least it seems so,
but only under that metaphorical table.

i know you're watching,
and do you like what you see?
i'm so infatuated with you, "new one."
you can see right through me.
how often you blow me away,
but every day i still try.
what's left for me to say?
take my hand, touch the sky.


oh, this is a mild fascination.
you are mildly fascinating.
do you have these same thoughts
when you think of me?
i feel something happening,
that i can't see.
and this is it,
you are the breeze.
how long will you last?
will you swirl around me forever,
or will you leave me fast?
i hope the near coast
will blow you back to me
time and time again,
but that's unclear.
now i know, compass end.
this pure feeling of mine,
is nothing, save fear.

there is no heart
that knows exactly
where i've been.
be that for me,
be my sin.
be my open/close.
be my hannah,
but first, tell me you know how.
i'm a tornado alone.
i need a savior,
not a bow.

i ask for a blessing.
for sunsets, and hate.
before winning my smile,
you have to be great.

we are not the same.

barrier.

placing blame where blame is due,
and you are religion.
i could flash a smile,
and you'll hit the floor.
with a single breath,
i could ruin you.
and if i told you ghosts were real,
i would haunt you forever.
twice a day, at 11:11,
i wish to haunt you forever.

now that you've blinded me,
i can see so much more.
waste away, and bite your own neck.
i've taken rogue, and ran free.
you had these eyes first,
but you still couldn't see.
in this old dance that we've done forever,
but here we are,
watching the whole world change.
in this pageant of killers,
you've passed down the crown.
it's not easy,
but we all must step down.

tomas el mundo en tus manos pequenas.
voy a seguir mi espacio en el espacio ultraterrestre.
voy a contar los leones,
y hablar sobre el color de sus ojos.
su vida es su propia,
su vida es la mia.
me encuentre donde las nubes son.
perder me donde el cielo
se encuentra con el tierra.

this wasn't a part of the
original mock-up.
sometimes keeping secrets
means breaking rules.
another chapter is gone.
i've asked for the end,
a story you'll never know.
follow me forever,
just let me go.

never let me go.
we are not the same.

vivant cadavre.

it was at your funeral
that i realized that you
had been here all along,
and you would never leave.
the sky bled little suns
when i looked into your eyes.
the day you died,
i knew the secrets
of the earth.
the ceremony,
an abandoned building
compared to your smile.
the planets aligned
when they spoke your name.
perfect in life,
in death, the same.

i've lost touch with the secrets.
and further, lost touch with the earth.
i forgot what you taste like.
i forgot just how raw life can be.
you lost touch from inside the casket.
i've got a question,
but i just can't ask it.
all these dirty little secrets
i keep locked away.
you set me on fire,
such a pretty little liar.
did you ever believe them?


i lied about those songs i sang.
you didn't.
i lied about "the new one."
you never knew.
i lied about what i think.
and further, what i feel.
you were valiantly honest.
what if i can't trust myself?
i put you in your grave,
i laid you down to rest.
such ugly words claw
at even the best.
you can't say i didn't try.

and do you remember
the words you spoke?
you spoke so sweetly
just before you left.
you told me to step lightly,
to float when i could.
stop seeing the bad,
and look for the good.
before i perish,
make a name.
how you always knew
i was destined for fame.
you said, "make peace
with those who keep
hate out of their heart."
i'd die to try,
but where do i start?

immortality doesn't let go,
and yesterday will never change.
you're dead, six feet under,
but you're still center stage.

we are not the same.

royalty.

the queen is dead.
long live her legacy.
in absence, an heir to be found.
this is where i can be found.
i've wandered the castle,
never leaving the walls.
the king is searching,
and this is where i can be found.
the servants, the secrets.
a princess in waiting.
a throne, left cold.
a mythical crown,
but this is where i can be found.
in all the storybooks in the world,
a story like mine.
a magnificent telling,
a horrible design.

tell me the story again,
relate it to my soul.
you opened my eyes,
a new perspective to see.
these words aren't mine,
and never will be.
i stockpile them,
a dungeon.
i count them,
a lie.
my coronation,
a dream.
the one who ran,
come to die.

you get yours
if i get mine.
three dresses, sparkling,
and a cape made of fur.
you're so much more
than you ever were.
i never understood
your reason or your processes.
you are a machine of hate,
but you love so instantly.
a servant to the royalty,
but you defy so easily.
tell me your secrets
from behind the throne.
you told me i'd lose,
but i already lost.
deep in the forest,
i'm already lost.


take these things and
run from me.
run far away.
a new castle is waiting,
a new prince,
a new life.
the crown may be different,
encrusted with different
jewels and gems,
but it fits all the same.
you will wear it and you will smile.
you will rule and you will smile.
and when you cannot perform,
exchanging duties for masquerades,
you will lay your head under the guillotine,
and you will smile.

this world is made for average,
but i am so much more than that.
a royal, a princess.
run away from here, princess,
your crowning awaits.
navigate the trees,
defy your fate.

we are not the same.