the lost.

all those dirty words you said,
you used them to make your bed.

a day like this makes you wonder
how someone so innocent
can have so much taken from them,
and you feel a little worse inside.
why one and not the other?
"any other," you swear.


that time you did that thing
that no one knows about.
times like these bring
your focus home,
and you want to scream
so loud.
you'll be quiet, instead.

makes you wonder why you're still
               breathing.
what makes you so fucking special?
makes you think about all you've lost.
makes you imagine all the things you
lost that you haven't even realized
you've lost yet.
just what all did you lose today?


88 keys and a smile, gone.
a cigarette never looked so beautiful,
for so many reasons you'll never understand.
bad handwriting you'll never forget,
and you're lost in all those inside jokes.


and you wonder if, when your time comes,
will you even be worth it?

dreaming won't come easy tonight,
because you'll just lie awake wondering
why it had to be this way
and not some other way.
why did it have to be this way?


you wish they could understand what you've been through.
you wish they could understand that things will get better.
you wish they knew all that they've lost,
and why it had to be this way.
why can't you understand?
you wish they could understand.


you've got a bad feeling about this.




you're tired now,
and you never want to ask another question.
you've been asking for a while now,
and you haven't heard a single answer;
not one reply.
settle, and be still.


all those dirty words i said,
i used them to make my bed.
we are not the same.

telling lies.

Let me be frank.
I can’t remember the last time,
the last time I didn’t have any words to say.
let me turn around,
hindsight 20/20,
and count each and every single star.
how is it even possible
that my mind can be running
so much faster than myself,
and I still can’t make sense of anything?
it’s all slipping away from me,
yet, at the same time,
I have the tightest of grips on the world.

I didn’t ask to play the spy,
and you, the bad guy.
I fell onto my finds,
and looking back,
hindsight 20/20,
I would much rather have not found it.
even in perfection, there are flaws.
even the lions have their claws.

I’m sick with confusion,
filled to the brim with doubt.
I’m not sure where to turn,
I guess I’ll make my way out.

I wish that I could let this go,
just as easily as you made
that turnaround when you
realized I knew something
I wasn’t supposed to know.

Nancy drew should have told me
that solving secrets isn’t nearly
as fun as she managed to make it seem.

When did a lie,
smaller than a grain of sand
or larger than life,
become an acceptable attribute?
I guess 100 angels can dance
on that single grain of sand,
and life is always what you make it.
I guess it would be just so easy
to forget it all;
if only my head were made of paper,
and my ears were made to erase.
if only Gabriel were a satyr,
and I never made it to any base.

Gabriel, where do I go?
can’t you just fly me home?

It’s a chosen against a stranger,
and you can only imagine.
nancy drew never prepared me for this.
I want to be frank,
and I want to learn all the right
things to say to you now.

My head is swimming,
my heart is racing.

Let me be frank.
even the lions have their claws.

We are not the same.

define: home.

welcome home.
i've brought you here
because i was never sure
of where to put you next.
we jumped far,
and i'm not even sure
if all of me stuck that landing.
every day i remember pieces
that i'm almost sure i've
left behind.
and who knows, in 2 weeks,
i may be ready to
leave you behind.
for now, though,
welcome home.


you always mumble
about the past that i'm
not entirely sure we had.
we go back, but we aren't that deep.
in fact, our first time
involved someone
i can't even hear.
now you hold this power,
all this power over me.
like a hole i'm never afraid
of falling into;
like puppet strings
i willingly put my name on.
i'm not even sure
where you heard my name.
i'm not even sure
where you found this game.
welcome home.


welcome home,
and tell me all your lies.
can't we just get them out of the way,
and drop the whole disguise?
i'm tired of sitting here,
watching this 161-mile table turn.
turning circles around everything i know,
and everything i want to know,
and everything i'm never going to know.
i think i've made a mistake,
and after all the jokes i've heard,
i don't know how to undo it.
and, if you'll understand,
i'm not entirely sure i want to.
and, if you'll understand,
welcome home.




no matter where i turn
or which road i take,
i always try to keep tabs
on every other place.
as if i can just turn around
and run home at
any moment.
i'm not sure it's that easy anymore,
as i've commited myself to this asylum
just as you were released.
the question still remains,
would i take it back if i had the chance?
or better yet, are you regretting your release
from this prison with no bars?


what would you do for a second chance?


welcome home,
and don't say his name.
you must be silent,
for he might be listening.
he looks through all the windows,
and he's setting all the fires.
he's hiding in the walls,
and welcome home.


we are not the same.

jjg.

i miss you all the time.
the way you light up
all the venues.
the way you smile
when all is wrong,
and laugh at the 
thought of
raising hell.


i envy your beauty,
regardless of if you try.
i envy your stories,
they stretch from sky to sky.

a happy pill in human form,
and you never fail to bring a storm.
you are a light, and you shine so bright.
i hope that you see that every day.
smart and witty,
a bit of everyone.
when i am the moon,
you are the sun.


i hate this place we are,
but i wouldn't want to be
here with anyone but you.

dear jordan J. gatlin,
i love you.

we are the strangest duo,
and i never would have imagined
we would be such great friends,
but i love you.

i hope that all your dreams come true,
and that i see you every day.
you are one of the best friends i have ever had,
and i love you.

we are not the same.

if i,

"break away,"
she said, "from
all that you know."


i made it, mom.
i'm doing just what you asked.
are you happy now?
i'm, well, i'm not so enthusiastic.
i'm scared, you see, terrified.
terrified of what is to come,
and what i'll have to do
to keep up with this balancing act.


"either laugh it off,
or give them all a show."


maria, i miss you.
i know you're gone for
good reason,
but i can't be in that house
without you.


"with water and sunshine,"
he smirked, "i'm sure
that you will grow."


i'd kill an innocent man,
and chop of a limb
to have my best friend back.
charlye hebert,
you are my rock.
you are my everything.
i miss you more than anything, ever.


"forget all those things
you're sure to never know."


i want to get out of this
town and so far away from the
drama it hurts.
with every fiber of my being,
i want to run away.


"when you count the stars,
you've never felt so low."


i doubt where we stand
every
single
day.
and i think you should know that,
but i don't have the heart to
tell you.


"if i were yours and you were mine,
we shouldn't move too slow."


the amount of control you own
is far too much for understanding.
i'll throw caution to the wind
whenever you tell me to.


"if i were yours and you were mine,
i'd never tell you no."




we are not the same.

the runaways.

the ocean is speaking,
and it's telling me to run home.
my head is leaking,
and they call me the unknown.


"these are the days,"
they said, "that you
will remember for the
rest of your life."
i just can't imagine
they know what they're
talking about
if they've never been here
before.
i can tell you, though,
because i've been here for
a while now,
that i'm ready to not
be here anymore.
and if it's a fall from grace
to take me home,
then i'll brace myself
to fall.




when the sun comes up,
i'll not remember what i said.
in the daylight, i don't get
to speak quite so much.
i send this message across the sea.
i want you to know how strong i'll be.


wherever i go,
i've got a pocket full
of treasures to take
with me.
a hand full of stories,
and an eye full of lies.
i'll never know,
what they think they see
when they look
at me.
all of those glories,
and a legion of spies.
wherever i go.




doctor, doctor.
only you know where i fell.
balancing on a set of scales.
make me come alive,
i'm far too young to die.
i'm lost.






i'm walking away,
as we speak.
i'm walking away
from a lot of things.


do you fear where you are?
we are not the same.

the rebuttal.

this goes out to those who
don't, or can't, believe.
to those that tell me i can't,
and tell me why i'm wrong.
those who tell me that i'm
not enough.

raise your glass to them.



i woke up this morning,
and i didn't want to say a word.
i kept my mouth shut and took
on the day like a man.
my mind is a constantly
turning rolodex of rules
that i force myself to follow,
and i spent so much time
lettering each one.
why is it that it's not enough for you?
i've done some pretty horrible things,
things that you could never understand.
i've pushed myself as hard as i can
to get to where i am today,
and it's been like pushing a brick wall.
can we just be in harmony
for just one short moment?

so go ahead and burn it down.
take another stab.
it's like you do nothing but
pick at my every move.
to taunt and tease and
push me down.
i can't breathe under your thumb.
so go ahead and build it up again.


i'm floating in the middle of the ocean.
i'm balancing on the head of a pin,
and you're just watching.
judging me every time i look down.
go ahead and burn it down.

why do i even bother speaking?
nothing can change your mind.
on second thought,
just sit there and watch.
i hope you enjoy the show.
watching my fall from grace.



i can't remember the last time i felt so lost.
go ahead and burn it down.
we are not the same.