the argument.

secrets.

i am so fucking sick
of the secrets.


i wake with them,
and i sleep with them,
and they follow me,
and i'm fine.

nevermind
those blurring lines.


i know more than i need,
i know enough.

and i am so fucking tired
of people telling me
what i know,
what i don't know,
what i need to know,
what i don't.

what i am,
who i am,
who they want me to be
and why,
when i should be happy,
how and where i should stand,
what i should stand for,
if i should speak slower
or deeper
or at all.


i'm only making friends
with the gray area
between the lies.
i'm only making friends
with the moments
that i'm alone.

open my eyes.
breathe deeply into me
and breathe deeply out of me.
cross my heart.
i'm just counting stars,
looking for my place in the world.
looking for
what,
who,
why,
when,
how,
where,
and if
i want to be.

nevermind
those blurring lines.



i'm ready to talk, but
we are not the same.

the relapse.

it's been a while,

and that's all i'll say.

and hello from over here.

i've been spending my days

facing the other way

but i can still feel you there.

i can feel you everywhere,

but never where i expect you to be.

and never what i expect you to be.

and never how i expect you to be.

do you remember the moment

you took hold of the moon?

i've locked away so many memories

and sometimes i get lost.

sometimes i lose myself.

all the time i'm looking for you.

sometimes you're there,

most of the time you're not.

it's like this.

if you would let go,

i could turn myself around.

i could clip your wings,

and follow you home.

i could fall madly out of love

with these ideas and

with this cycle.

i could let these memories

rest easy and

rest in pieces.

exactly where we left them.

it wasn't for you to have,

and it wasn't mine to comprehend.

it's not even that

i don't like the view.

it's that the view

doesn't like me.

it's not even that

i don't love you.

it's that you

don't love me.

i guess this is growing up,

and here comes the eclipse.

we are not the same.

the tadoma method.

i'm trying to do it, just like you said.

to keep the dream alive.

to walk softly, and float when i can.

to find the knot in st. peter's cross.

to find those things

that call me back down to earth

in quite the tone that you used to have.

it's hard.

i'm terrified of forgetting,

but to remember is to suffer.

there isn't any way around

this wall you built,

and i'm so tired of being alone.

somebody told me that you're here,

all the time,

and that you can still hear me.

that you're speaking to me,

and telling me not to be this way.

i told him to take notes, because

it seems i've become both

deaf and blind.

i'm not sure what to believe anymore.

my heart is out at sea,

and my head is all over the place.

my tongue is always moving too quickly,

my legs never fast enough.

my eyes are lost up in space,

and i'm not sure who to trust.

isn't that just like me?

to walk the path of heaven,

straight through the

depths of hell

with no intention of 

pledging my allegiance

to any of it.

we both know she is just like me.

it seems we were both

blessed with a     deaf ear,

                          and

cursed with a     blind eye.

and i guess we have you to thank for that.

 

it's like trying to forget the ocean,

but remember the shore.

i'm trying, but

it's so hard.

it's just the not knowing

that's getting old.

and so, where do we go from here?

can i swim to the bottom of the ocean

for a single grain of sand?

or shall i lose myself up in space?

can i clip your wings and follow you home now?

here's to the readers, the witches, and the brave.

here's to the secrets we will take to our grave.

here's to searching for all that we've lost.

here's to learning lessons that couldn't be taught.

so maybe i can't hear you anymore,

and i haven't seen you in a while.

at least i'm trying, i guess.

it's really hard, MOM,

but i'm gonna give it

everything i've got

until there's nothing left.

all for you.

never slow down, never grow old.

we are not the same.

the prayer.

i guess it's safe to say
that you've made up your mind.
even so, i still need to speak mine.
you won't give me the time,
but i still need to speak mine.

i'm not ready, you know?
not ready to back down, walk away.
to learn to live without this.
without you.
not ready to accept
what you think you know.

every day, i have cried.
i think about you,
about us,
i see something,
feel something,
try to sleep,
let my mind wander,
breathe,
make plans,
try to stay busy,
tell myself not to cry,
and i cry.
every day.

i'm struggling with this,
but here it goes.
i just want you to know who i am.


you may think that this is best.
you may think that i deserved
all the names you called me,
and the way you treated me.
you may think that you don't feel the same anymore.
i'm not so naive.
i know that you still remember the good,
and that there is still some part in your heart for me.
you told me once that you were home
whenever you were with me,
and i hope that you still feel that way.
i hope that behind your eyes
those bees are still making honey,
just for me.
i tell myself that i'll always be your "lil' poppa,"
and maybe we'll work it out again later.
i resent the idea of you with someone else.
mostly, i pray to a god that i don't believe in
that you don't forget who i am,
or who i was to you.


i'd give my world just to see you,
i'd lie, cheat, and steal to make amends,
and i'd kill to go back to the beginning
and make it how it should have been.
i just want you to know who i am.




and there will never be a day
that i don't hear your voice,
see your smile,
and remember your skin.
some part of you belongs to me now,
and i'll never let it go.
i may not be able to keep you,
but i'll never let it go.

i think some would say that
i'm not very good backing down.
they'd probably say i'm crazy, too.
they'd probably pity me for not
being able to move on after
all that's happened.
the truth is, they could never understand.
and to be honest,
if this is all i get,
i'm happy just to have known you.








i've seen all the good you are, dear.
i've witnessed the glow,
and lived in your light.
i know that you'll find happiness
somewhere.
i just pray that you don't forget me along the way.
i may not be able to keep you,
but you're still my best friend.


i guess what i'm trying to say
is i'm still madly in love with you,
and that will never change.
i'm on my way to wherever i'm meant to be,
but even there, i'll love you all the same.
you're the most amazing person i know.
you showed me what it meant to love,
and you showed me so many things.
you're my best friend, in every possible way.
this is who i am now,



and i just want you to know who i am.
i love you to pluto and back, but
we are not the same.

the drawing room.

you'll find me now,
in a very different place.
somewhere i never meant to be.
a beautiful little accident
placed me here,
and i guess i'll stay here for a while.
i have no reason to leave,
so i'll stay here for a while.


i can only imagine you've
been here all along.
i think it's safe to say you've
been here all along.
i just haven't been in a state of mind
to notice you...
until now, that is.
and the more i notice you,
the less i really see.
the less i really know.
the less i really care.


this world, my dear,
is full of people who have
been here all along.
just waiting to be seen,
or to be heard.
are you listening?
we just need a little help sometimes,
and you can be the help, now.

a picture is worth a thousand words, they say.
that's a thousand moments of silence.
i don't wish for silence, but it finds me.
i'd love to hear the music,
but it can't always be heard.
you have to feel it first, sometimes.
and sometimes, you have to make your own music.




show me to the piano.
we are not the same.

the copyright.

you know,
you'll find whatever it is
that you're looking for in
the last place you look.


i can only stay if you promise
to teach me something new every day,
and do whatever it takes to make me happy.
the scientist didn't make it easy for us,
but in his defense, he never said he would.
and half the time, i'm lost.
and half the time, i don't even know what to call you.






i have some things i want to say to you.
unfortunately, i don't know all the words.
i pray that i know them one day.
until then...


if you start the fire,
i'll never put out the flames.
and i'll never be able to forget your name.
i'm in love with 181 miles,
but i can never stand the distance.
in the dark, you shine.
in the light, you are mine.
in the north, we say your name.
in my eyes, we play your game.


i could never learn another game,
if you only asked.


you asked me to tell you sweet things
while you slept the night away.
another chance for my words to
just get in the way.


seem to stop my breath.
my head on your chest,
waiting to cave in.
from the bottom of my...
hear your voice again.
could we dim the sun
and wonder where we've been?
maybe you and me.
so kiss me like you did,
my heart stopped beating;
such a softer sin...

in your eyes,
i lost my place.
could stay a while
and I'm melting,
in your eyes.
like my first time
that I caught fire,
just stay with me,
lay with me
now.


this made me think about you,
along with everything else in the world,
but this in particular brought you back.
i hope you hear what i did.


goodnight,
and sweet dreams.
we are not the same.

the electric.

everything is falling,
and i am included in that.
and i know about all the negative
we attach to that word,
but i promise you that i mean
it in the best and brightest
light.


just because everything can fall,
doesn't mean that all must hit
the floor.
it's just that everyone conspires,
and i wonder what you do it for.


they said a lot when they said,
"the world was built for two."
it doesn't feel a thing like falling.
some days, i swear that
i'm scared.


take off your colors.
who are you wearing them for?


so we'll take the falling,
forget the lights,
and drive around for the longest nights.
let's lose the time,
find all the lost,
find the knot in st. peter's cross.
we'll just look for you.
for you, and you alone.
we'll call it a comeback,
coming back for nothing new.




i don't mind what you do
when you're alone.
i don't care for the classes you attend.
i've got all these rules,
and i beg them all to bend.
i look up to you,
control without caution.
if nothing else,
i'll take comfort in knowing
that you exist.
and if i ever found a way out,
i swear i'd get lost in you.
lose myself in the fog,
lose myself in your eyes.
it doesn't feel a thing like falling.


i'd have to call this the
easiest conspiracy
i've ever met,
so explain this all to me.
tell me all your secrets,
tell me all your lies.
tell that you'll never make me cry.
tell me that i'm going to live,
and that you'll never die.
i'll hide my doubts in the dirt,
and you, all in the sky.


i'm holding on to tomorrow,
and it doesn't feel a thing like falling.
tell me all the things you want to do.
for you. for you. it's all for you.
if you didn't know then,
baby now you do.


and then you said a little more about your dreams,
like that was my call.


my, that's some dream.
we are not the same.

the lost.

all those dirty words you said,
you used them to make your bed.

a day like this makes you wonder
how someone so innocent
can have so much taken from them,
and you feel a little worse inside.
why one and not the other?
"any other," you swear.


that time you did that thing
that no one knows about.
times like these bring
your focus home,
and you want to scream
so loud.
you'll be quiet, instead.

makes you wonder why you're still
               breathing.
what makes you so fucking special?
makes you think about all you've lost.
makes you imagine all the things you
lost that you haven't even realized
you've lost yet.
just what all did you lose today?


88 keys and a smile, gone.
a cigarette never looked so beautiful,
for so many reasons you'll never understand.
bad handwriting you'll never forget,
and you're lost in all those inside jokes.


and you wonder if, when your time comes,
will you even be worth it?

dreaming won't come easy tonight,
because you'll just lie awake wondering
why it had to be this way
and not some other way.
why did it have to be this way?


you wish they could understand what you've been through.
you wish they could understand that things will get better.
you wish they knew all that they've lost,
and why it had to be this way.
why can't you understand?
you wish they could understand.


you've got a bad feeling about this.




you're tired now,
and you never want to ask another question.
you've been asking for a while now,
and you haven't heard a single answer;
not one reply.
settle, and be still.


all those dirty words i said,
i used them to make my bed.
we are not the same.

telling lies.

Let me be frank.
I can’t remember the last time,
the last time I didn’t have any words to say.
let me turn around,
hindsight 20/20,
and count each and every single star.
how is it even possible
that my mind can be running
so much faster than myself,
and I still can’t make sense of anything?
it’s all slipping away from me,
yet, at the same time,
I have the tightest of grips on the world.

I didn’t ask to play the spy,
and you, the bad guy.
I fell onto my finds,
and looking back,
hindsight 20/20,
I would much rather have not found it.
even in perfection, there are flaws.
even the lions have their claws.

I’m sick with confusion,
filled to the brim with doubt.
I’m not sure where to turn,
I guess I’ll make my way out.

I wish that I could let this go,
just as easily as you made
that turnaround when you
realized I knew something
I wasn’t supposed to know.

Nancy drew should have told me
that solving secrets isn’t nearly
as fun as she managed to make it seem.

When did a lie,
smaller than a grain of sand
or larger than life,
become an acceptable attribute?
I guess 100 angels can dance
on that single grain of sand,
and life is always what you make it.
I guess it would be just so easy
to forget it all;
if only my head were made of paper,
and my ears were made to erase.
if only Gabriel were a satyr,
and I never made it to any base.

Gabriel, where do I go?
can’t you just fly me home?

It’s a chosen against a stranger,
and you can only imagine.
nancy drew never prepared me for this.
I want to be frank,
and I want to learn all the right
things to say to you now.

My head is swimming,
my heart is racing.

Let me be frank.
even the lions have their claws.

We are not the same.

define: home.

welcome home.
i've brought you here
because i was never sure
of where to put you next.
we jumped far,
and i'm not even sure
if all of me stuck that landing.
every day i remember pieces
that i'm almost sure i've
left behind.
and who knows, in 2 weeks,
i may be ready to
leave you behind.
for now, though,
welcome home.


you always mumble
about the past that i'm
not entirely sure we had.
we go back, but we aren't that deep.
in fact, our first time
involved someone
i can't even hear.
now you hold this power,
all this power over me.
like a hole i'm never afraid
of falling into;
like puppet strings
i willingly put my name on.
i'm not even sure
where you heard my name.
i'm not even sure
where you found this game.
welcome home.


welcome home,
and tell me all your lies.
can't we just get them out of the way,
and drop the whole disguise?
i'm tired of sitting here,
watching this 161-mile table turn.
turning circles around everything i know,
and everything i want to know,
and everything i'm never going to know.
i think i've made a mistake,
and after all the jokes i've heard,
i don't know how to undo it.
and, if you'll understand,
i'm not entirely sure i want to.
and, if you'll understand,
welcome home.




no matter where i turn
or which road i take,
i always try to keep tabs
on every other place.
as if i can just turn around
and run home at
any moment.
i'm not sure it's that easy anymore,
as i've commited myself to this asylum
just as you were released.
the question still remains,
would i take it back if i had the chance?
or better yet, are you regretting your release
from this prison with no bars?


what would you do for a second chance?


welcome home,
and don't say his name.
you must be silent,
for he might be listening.
he looks through all the windows,
and he's setting all the fires.
he's hiding in the walls,
and welcome home.


we are not the same.

jjg.

i miss you all the time.
the way you light up
all the venues.
the way you smile
when all is wrong,
and laugh at the 
thought of
raising hell.


i envy your beauty,
regardless of if you try.
i envy your stories,
they stretch from sky to sky.

a happy pill in human form,
and you never fail to bring a storm.
you are a light, and you shine so bright.
i hope that you see that every day.
smart and witty,
a bit of everyone.
when i am the moon,
you are the sun.


i hate this place we are,
but i wouldn't want to be
here with anyone but you.

dear jordan J. gatlin,
i love you.

we are the strangest duo,
and i never would have imagined
we would be such great friends,
but i love you.

i hope that all your dreams come true,
and that i see you every day.
you are one of the best friends i have ever had,
and i love you.

we are not the same.

if i,

"break away,"
she said, "from
all that you know."


i made it, mom.
i'm doing just what you asked.
are you happy now?
i'm, well, i'm not so enthusiastic.
i'm scared, you see, terrified.
terrified of what is to come,
and what i'll have to do
to keep up with this balancing act.


"either laugh it off,
or give them all a show."


maria, i miss you.
i know you're gone for
good reason,
but i can't be in that house
without you.


"with water and sunshine,"
he smirked, "i'm sure
that you will grow."


i'd kill an innocent man,
and chop of a limb
to have my best friend back.
charlye hebert,
you are my rock.
you are my everything.
i miss you more than anything, ever.


"forget all those things
you're sure to never know."


i want to get out of this
town and so far away from the
drama it hurts.
with every fiber of my being,
i want to run away.


"when you count the stars,
you've never felt so low."


i doubt where we stand
every
single
day.
and i think you should know that,
but i don't have the heart to
tell you.


"if i were yours and you were mine,
we shouldn't move too slow."


the amount of control you own
is far too much for understanding.
i'll throw caution to the wind
whenever you tell me to.


"if i were yours and you were mine,
i'd never tell you no."




we are not the same.

the runaways.

the ocean is speaking,
and it's telling me to run home.
my head is leaking,
and they call me the unknown.


"these are the days,"
they said, "that you
will remember for the
rest of your life."
i just can't imagine
they know what they're
talking about
if they've never been here
before.
i can tell you, though,
because i've been here for
a while now,
that i'm ready to not
be here anymore.
and if it's a fall from grace
to take me home,
then i'll brace myself
to fall.




when the sun comes up,
i'll not remember what i said.
in the daylight, i don't get
to speak quite so much.
i send this message across the sea.
i want you to know how strong i'll be.


wherever i go,
i've got a pocket full
of treasures to take
with me.
a hand full of stories,
and an eye full of lies.
i'll never know,
what they think they see
when they look
at me.
all of those glories,
and a legion of spies.
wherever i go.




doctor, doctor.
only you know where i fell.
balancing on a set of scales.
make me come alive,
i'm far too young to die.
i'm lost.






i'm walking away,
as we speak.
i'm walking away
from a lot of things.


do you fear where you are?
we are not the same.

the rebuttal.

this goes out to those who
don't, or can't, believe.
to those that tell me i can't,
and tell me why i'm wrong.
those who tell me that i'm
not enough.

raise your glass to them.



i woke up this morning,
and i didn't want to say a word.
i kept my mouth shut and took
on the day like a man.
my mind is a constantly
turning rolodex of rules
that i force myself to follow,
and i spent so much time
lettering each one.
why is it that it's not enough for you?
i've done some pretty horrible things,
things that you could never understand.
i've pushed myself as hard as i can
to get to where i am today,
and it's been like pushing a brick wall.
can we just be in harmony
for just one short moment?

so go ahead and burn it down.
take another stab.
it's like you do nothing but
pick at my every move.
to taunt and tease and
push me down.
i can't breathe under your thumb.
so go ahead and build it up again.


i'm floating in the middle of the ocean.
i'm balancing on the head of a pin,
and you're just watching.
judging me every time i look down.
go ahead and burn it down.

why do i even bother speaking?
nothing can change your mind.
on second thought,
just sit there and watch.
i hope you enjoy the show.
watching my fall from grace.



i can't remember the last time i felt so lost.
go ahead and burn it down.
we are not the same.